Hints, Allegations and Things Finally Said

This isn't going to be a rah-rah entry.  This is going to be angry and venting...so you might just want to skip past it.  I'm sure I'll regret this in the future, but they're things that I need to get out of me.

I was in a bad place last night.  I was feeling extremely lonely and rejected.  Every time I watch my wife leave with my family it kills me a little more inside.

So she and I talked last night.  She finally gave some real reasons why she had to abandon us, had to leave us.  She says that she didn't leave the kids, but in a way she did.  And in doing so, she also forced that choice on me.  In her decision to leave, that forces me to lose my family when they're with her, and I have no say in that.  It sucks.

I have felt extremely useless and worthless since she left.  What was so wrong with me that she had to leave?  Why wasn't what we had worth even trying to work it out.  Make no mistake, she made almost zero effort to try to save it once I knew.  I'll never, never, forgive her for that.  She refused counseling, and our 'date nights' were us going to dinner then taking her shopping for clothing for her 'new life'.

She had already made the decision for us.  For all of us.

She had been saying already that she just 'fell out of love' with me.  I honestly do not understand that one fucking bit.  Not at all.  If that happens all the time, like she says it does, how does the institution of marriage even exist?  How did human beings become monogamous lifelong partners?  She still holds to that.  I still think it's bullshit.

After talking to her last night, I'm finally feeling angry.  I'm still hurt and feel worthless, but I'm angry now too.  She was telling me how great her life is now.  How she's learning all these things about herself.  Like how she hates mayonnaise.

Yup.  What a fucking epiphany.  She hates mayonnaise.  Well, I guess it was all worth it after all.

"Beware me...for I will bring heartache upon your family *maniacal laugh* *maniacal laugh*"

(for the Hellman's people...really, you have a wonderful product...any rational person can see through this...)

So yeah, I'm a little angry.  Angry for what she's done to me.  Angry for what she's done to our family.  She still doesn't see how her choices affect all of us.  The day will come, I'm sure, where she'll have to answer the questions.  When her kids will ask 'Why?'.  I hope she has a better response than "Seriously...have you ever had tuna salad...the mayo kills it.  That's why I left".

So last night was the heavy cardio/abs workouts.  After our conversation on the phone and a drive to clear my head, I decided to get down to it.  I didn't want to.  I didn't want to do anything.  But I did it.  I'm not going to lie, my heart wasn't in it.  It was very difficult for me to even try to keep up.  Sometimes I didn't.  I don't know if I should be proud of myself for still working out, even if it wasn't at 100%.  I don't care.  I know I did it, and through most of it I worked very hard at it.  And for the ab workout, I really did push it, probably because I knew it was almost done.

I don't know if this helps me.  I wish I could just 'fall out of love'.  It's been so long now, I probably shouldn't even be angry anymore, much less just getting to it.  I still feel worthless on many levels.

I've always tried to do the right thing.  For my family.  It's hard to find out that you were wrong.  What do I do now?  What do I do knowing that I probably will never do the right thing, solely due to lack of knowledge of the what the right thing ever is?  It's hard.

To end on a better note.  Steph left a kind note for me in her blog.  I read it this morning, and it really made me feel good.  It tells me that maybe I don't need to work so hard at TRYING to do the right thing.  Maybe it's just trying to be a good person without analyzing it and the right thing will happen.  Maybe I need to stop worrying about the right thing, and start thinking about the good thing?  I don't know.  Does anyone?