This might ramble and be weird. It might not. I have no idea. It'll be a mildly edited stream of conciousness most likely.
Not sure what I'm doing here or why. But it almost feels necessary.
There are things about myelf that I'd like to make better. I mean, there's the obvious weight problem. But that's like picking the low-hanging fruit. I plan to make this a little more in-depth, and maybe I learn something from it. I'll even do this as a list, for Steph's benefit.
1. I'm hyper-critical of myself. This causes most of my issues, I think. There are many things that I just feel are pre-destined for failure, so they're never attempted in the first place.
2. I allow things that aren't big issues to become larger issues and much more important in my mind. I'm not sure why I do this. The only thing I can think is that I try so hard to see all options and outcomes and weigh them against each other that it allows me hypothesize much more expanded situations. Not sure that makes sense. Honestly, I don't even really think that trying to see all the facets of something is a bad thing, but perhaps getting focused on minutiae in the problem is paralyzing. It's one thing to see all sides, it's another to be crushed by them.
Ok, number 2 was waaay deeper than I expected when I started it. This is going well.
3. I so badly want to be creative, but number 1 hamstrings me. Often. So instead of being creative, I end up striving to replicate the creativity of others. Probably the most creative thing I've done recently is a series of water droplet pictures, and I'm very proud of them, but they're not truly my creation. I took a couple techniques I had seen elsewhere and combined them. So, in my mind, the idea isn't completely mine.
4. I don't finish things that are for myself. I really honestly don't know why. Maybe it's number 1 again. That's really just conjecture.
5. I have willpower issues. I'm a master at giving myself excuses, or making real, though slight ones, bigger.
Now, that all may seem like I'm terribly down on myself or depressed or some other clinical thing...it's really not that. To illustrate that, here's the followup, the things that I like about myself.
1. I'm a good father, I think, and I really want to be that. There isn't really anything more to say about this. There are things that I could do better, and I realize that. I'm always willing to learn more about being a father from other people, and mostly, from my children.
2. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have I hold very dear. I would do anything for them. They're all awesome people, so I must have done something right to deserve having such kick-ass people I can call my friends. I learn from them, and maybe they learn from me too.
3. The things that I am good at, I'm very good at, I think. That probably sounds arrogant, and it likely is. When I find something I love, I immerse myself in it until I've gotten a level of mastery in it that makes me happy.
4. I like to think I'm pretty intelligent. Again, hubris, right? You're right. I won't apologize for this one.
5. I also think I'm pretty funny. I mean...have you seen the Masterpoo Theatre videos? (shameless self-plug (and wow...out of context, "self-plug" as a term is pretty hilarious))
Ok, I'm going to stop here for now. I'm going to tackle the weight thing (I know, again) in the very near future in this space.
This felt pretty good.
