Freaking Frustrated and Floundering

I have a 5k in two weeks.  I'm almost ready.  I should be ready by now.  Surprisingly, it's not due to laziness.  It's actually mostly out of my control.  It has rained lately.

Tons.

Shit-tons.

Pretty much every time I try to run.

I want to be ready for this 5k.  I really want to be able to knock it out of the park, which for me would mean running the whole thing with no walk breaks.  I am so close to that, but the weather has completely stymied my efforts.

Sure, I could have paid for a gym membership or something, but they don't take masterfully created mid-poo dramatic readings as payment.  At least, not any that I've found.  That would be pretty awesome.

This floundering affects my mood greatly.  I see myself failing at something I want so badly yet again.  It's a cycle I want to break so badly, one that I just can't seem to shake.  That floundering gets me back into my head.  Makes me dwell on my past.  The viscera of a ruined marriage and parenting mistakes and losing scholarships and all the rest of my failures attack my mind.  It's a like one of those 'these actors died this year' montages that they show at award shows, except it can go on for 35 years.  But all done in an instant.

Not an attack.  More like a blitzkrieg.

I just want to feel successful.  For more than a few fleeting moments.  To be able to point to something that was hard, that was a struggle, and say "I did that.  It was difficult and trying and I shouldn't have been able to do it, but I did".

I had that once, with my marriage.  It was us against the world.  We nailed it.  At least, that's what I thought.  I guess at some point for her it became her against me.  I never knew.  Not until it was so far gone for her that she wasn't even willing to try.

It's such a loss.  So painful.  Another moment for the montage.

I don't like that montage.  I want a new one.  One with my successes.  That montage used to be my marriage and my children.  It was all I ever wanted.  It would always overpower the other.  Is it wrong when a man's real life goal is to be the best father and husband he can be?  I've been told that lately.  It feels wrong.  What's more noble than that?  Sure, I'd like to be a better basketball player and to pursue photography more, but that's not who I want to be.  That's secondary.  I want to be the best father and husband I can be.  That's the greatest legacy I can think of.  What's wrong with that?

I don't know.  And I guess I'm  rambling now.