A Ten Things List - In Honor of Steph, Who Did a Tapout Thing Today

10.  Gravy

So many applications here.  Sausage gravy on biscuits.  Brown gravy and cheese curds on french fries.  Turkey gra-...no...fuck that.  Turkey gravy is the Dana Plato of the Diff'rent Strokes Gravy Family.  Wrong color, not interesting in any way, and nobody notices when it's not there.

Sausage makes anything better.

It tastes like happiness and rainbows and unicorn spit.

Seriously...this is Dana "Turkey Gravy" Plato...who evidently did Playboy.  Who knew?

9.  Oddly Large Furniture

Not pieces that are obscenely large...just a little slightly too big.  My couch for example...the arms on it are just too wide and too high.

8.  Stephen Hawking  and Malcolm Gladwell Books

Pretty sure Hawking never did Playboy.

Gladwell probably hasn't either.

7.  Bacon.

Seriously...I'm not going to explain this.  Just examine the following glory:

Giggity

6.  Yoga Pants

Used judiciously, of course.

Not like this...of course, shout-out to theChive.com, love that site.

Much better.

5.  FIIIIIIVE GOLLLLLDENNN TOQUESSS

4.  Houseplants.

3.  Shatner Doing Anything.  Same with Christopher Walken.

Cooking with Christopher Walken from Christopher Walken

2.  Jiggly Animated GIFS.  Steph...click HERE to bypass this.  I know you get all weird.

1.  HAHAHHAHA...I GOT STEPH EITHER WAY!

The Greater Fool

Hang with me here...this might ramble a bit.  Well, more than usual, I guess.

The Greater Fool is, simply, the guy everyone wants to know.  He's the person that's willing to put himself on the edge of the abyss.  The one that makes the choice to put himself into the position to sink or swim, and not let it just happen to him.  Through their actions, everyone else gets to see the outcome of the choice and prosper from it or avoid it altogether.

In that previous sentence is my favorite word.  Choice.  Choice is all that we really have.  Everything that we are, everything that we've done, everything that has ever been produced from the engine of human consciousness is derived from choices.  I don't believe in accidents.  They are the culmination of a series of choices, whether we were cognizant of the choices at the time or not.

The Greater Fool is probably always aware of his choices.  Also, likely always willing to stand behind them to take credit or blame.  The Greater Fool will always get back up from the failures to push to new trials, and never bask in the glory of successes long enough to miss the next chance to fuck himself over.

They are the best of us.  They are the risk-takers.  They are the ones that make the choices and know they're being made at the time.

I want to be a Greater Fool.  I really do.  For so long, I've been the Lesser Fool.  The one that knows his choices, and makes them expecting the worst.  And almost always getting it, the self-fulfilling prophecy endures.  I want to stop justifying my choices.  I don't even want to feel the need to justify choice anymore.  I just want to choose, and sink or swim with that choice.  I don't want to feel snared by the trap of imagined consequence anymore.  I just want to fail or succeed, and be in line to make the next choice.

Beyond Blubberdome: Week...uhh...Blue? I Don't Know. DON'T JUDGE ME, MIKE!

This is a story about love, betrayal, and ascendance.

First, love.  Let me tell you about this man I know.  Let's call him 'Hason'.  Definitely not 'Jason', though.  Just get that right out of your head.  Anyway, Hason has a great love.  It's bacon.  And steak.  Nachos, cheese, these foodstuffs are all in his little black book.  If there was a screenplay, the Oscar scene would go like this:

Meat:  [Just sits there longingly on the plate, or stick]

Hason: You are too much for me, Meat, you sonofawhoreson bitch!  I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!

[Definitely not a buttsex scene now...I'm paraphrasing.  No cowboy hats, either.  I look stupid in those.  I mean Hason does.  Dammit.]

Next is betrayal.  About a month ago, it was time for new sneakers for Hason and the boys.  Ok, that whole 'Hason' thing was stupid.  About a month ago, it was time for new sneakers for ME and the boys.  We shopped around until only I was left.  I found a nice pair (I thought at the time anyway) of Filas at some store in the mall.  It's like "Famous Footwear" or "Awesome Footwear" or "Arby's".  One of those.  Anyway, they were relatively cheap and surprisingly comfortable.  I purchased them with no hesitation.

Ok, hold on, guitar solo in Stairway To Heaven is about to start...I need to pause for some epic air guitar...

...

...

AND AS WE WIND ON DOWN THE ROAD

...  annnnnnd I'm back.

Anyway, so I wore my new Filas for about a month.  They started to come unglued in a couple spots on the heel, but the hot glue gun (I'M CRAFTY!) fixed those.

Something else was going on, though.  My left knee was getting sore.  REALLY sore.  Any motion at all irritated it, and working out, doing squats and the like, made it feel loose, like it was slipping side to side.

Not good.  Not good at all.

So I took a week off to let it come back, only doing the running, which didn't irritate it at all, and it usually felt better for a little while after.  I sat thinking about this one day, did some calendar math in my head.

HOLY SHITSNACKS, MY KNEE STARTED HURTING WITHIN DAYS OF THE GETTING THE FILAS.

So that day, on lunch (about a week ago), I headed over to Dick's *giggle* and went back to an old standby.  Asics.  Gels, in particular.  I've had a pair of these off and on for almost twenty years now.  (I'm getting old...I plucked a hair out of my goddamn earlobe the other day.  Wtf?)  I've always liked them, but usually went with other options based on price.  I was going to get a pair no matter what.  Lucikly, I hit a bit of a deal at Dick's *hehe*, and was able to snag a pair relatively cheap.

Guess what?  It was the Filas.  My knee pain was 90% cleared up in 2 days.  I still get a twinge sometimes, but it's nothing like before.  I guess I'm sticking with Asics for my walkaround shoes from now on.  (On a side note, because we haven't had many of these so far ((DON'T JUDGE ME, MIKE!)), I use Brooks Adrenaline GTS for running, and they're downright awesome.  Great fat-guy running shoes)

Anyway, like I said, I've still been running, adding runs on lunch to get used to running in some heat.  And for anyone that might see me running on lunch, I'm sorry.  Yup, I am the walrus.  Koo-koo ka fuck you.

Finally, ascendance.  I'm still writing that chapter.  I've actually had some good luck lately (I can't believe I just wrote that...I'm probably going to get hit by a frozen turd ejected from the ISS that made it through re-entry when I go outside next).  I was able to trade in the Bonneville on a 2012 Jeep Liberty, which I like immensely.  I had a photo show with some friends at the Seward House, and actually sold a print to a pro photographer, so that's exciting.  And somehow...I'm not sure how, I've actually lost a half pound throughout this whole ordeal.  So that's nice.

I've also got a plan to continue.  I've got a 5k saturday, and already signed up for the Great Race this year, running for a team with Steph and another coworker, Kat, or Kate, or creepy chick that makes lampshades out of cat x-rays.  (There's NO WAY I wasn't working that in there.  Sorry.)

So, Auntie...GAME ON.

Beyond Blubberdome Week 3: Is Puking How Every Workout is Going To End For Me Now?

So, yeah.  Evidently I'm still recovering from last week's illness or something.  Tuesday's workout only lasted about 2/3 of the way through.  I started getting really lightheaded, and almost dropped one of the powerblocks on my head.  When that happened, I decided to wrap it up for the night.

Last night, about halfway through, I started getting dizzy...seeing stars somewhat.  I tried to push through it, but something was wrong.  I was sweating, which is normal, but I was sweating profusely.  It was exploding off my body.  So I cut it off.  Sat on the back deck for a couple minutes, then ran upstairs to the bathroom and provided some vomit swatches for the walls.  "Regurgitated Tuna Sandwich Grey" is not an attractive color choice for a bathroom paint.  Just fyi.

I don't have any idea what's going on here.  If I have this happening during next week's workouts, I'm probably going to go see my doctor.  This is VERY new to me.  I mean...I've puked from exertion before, especially after runs...but this was different.  My body was just, I don't know, rejecting the exercise?  I was supposed to run this morning, but was actually scared to do it.  I didn't want that feeling to come over me again 2 miles from the house.

Anyway, I did actually lose a pound this week, so there's that.

I wish I had something more interesting to follow up with.  I really don't.  This is stressing me a little.  Put that together with Steph's trials over the last week, and neither one of us is really "winning" at this point.  I will say though, that Steph just plain seems much more energetic since this has started.  It's been noticeable.  So if she quits now, I'm going to make a point out of farting in her car at least once a day.

Beyond Blubberdome Week 2: Down Goes Butterball

This was actually a rough week for me.  Didn't get much sleep, had a pretty nasty fever one night...yadda yadda.  I had to skip a workout on Tuesday, and pushed Thursday's to Friday.

Now, that being said, I really didn't eat much, as I was feeling like poop, and was never hungry, so that was probably mitigating.  Yesterday was weigh-in day, and I was sweating it a little.

For the week, I was down 2.4 pounds, and for the contest, I'm down 2.3% overall.

Which means...I'm still solidly in the lead.  Butterball is down 1.25 since last week, and 1.5% for the contest overall.  Good results, but NOT GOOD ENOUGH, BUTTERBALL!!!

Running Into Headwind, And Starting Chalean Week 2

I was planning on running Saturday.

Saturday ended up being kinda cold.  I had a rather late night the night before, too (that's a story for another time...a good one...).

Also, my stomach was a little...weird.

So Saturday ended up being quite the lazy day.  Don't like it?  Bite me.

Anyway, I decided to make today different.  I was up bright and early and headed to Montezuma for some bird pics.  Windy...not much to shoot.  Struck out there.  Headed over to Mud Lock...struck out there too.  Headed to Lewis's for my normal Sunday morning breakfast, two slices of French Toast, well done, with a side of meat, sausage today.  I called the Colonel to see if he wanted to enjoy some breakfast, but he was going to church.  I'll never call him again.  He's dead to me.  (just checking to see if you're reading, Jeff)

So, I headed back home, did some digesting/picking up, and went for a run.  Decided to to do a full 5k length.  But...that wind.  Good gravy.  Running against that wind was tiring.  And it seemed, after the initial leg down Genessee Street, that IT WAS ALWAYS IN MY GODDAMN FACE.  ALWAYS.  IN MY FACE.  ALWAYS.

Eff-you, wind.

Did I make that clear?  It was in my face no matter if I was running north, south, east or west.  It took me over 40 minutes to run 5k.  But so what, I did it anyway.

Once home, I had a turkey sandwich with some chocolate milk, and ran out to grab a few groceries that I had forgotten.

That errand complete, I got down to Burn Circuit 1, the first workout of week 2, and it went REALLY well. I might actually start doing this run/workout thing on the same days.  I probably won't.  Or...well...maybe do 5k lengths on the non-workout days, at least 2 a week, and do shorter, faster ones on workout days.  Like a mile, but a fast mile.  Or fartleks.   HAHAHAHA...fartleks.

Anyway, I'll keep this post free of trash-talk.  Steph, the poor dear, has a little boo-boo, so had to take today off.  Poor widdle Stephie.  Stephie and her weak female genes.  You'll never be able to lose weight like a man, Butterball.  It's SCIENCE.  So I feel bad for her, and won't do any trash-talking.

Feasting on the Bones of Team Butterball

Run AND Burn Circuit 3.

That's right, Steph.  Your ass is going down.  (Not in the biblical sense, of course)

Conrad is home this week for spring break from school.  This morning he asked me if he could go on a run with me.  I enthusiastically said "Dude, awesome.  I'll take the afternoon off."  Even though I wouldn't normally run on a weight workout day, I've been asking him to take runs with me for over a year now, so I couldn't pass up the chance.

So I took the afternoon off and headed home.  Conrad and I needed to run an errand, so I let him pick lunch.  Unfortunately, he chose Denny's, against my better judgement.  To make it even worse, he had pancakes.  I tried telling him how much that would suck during the run, but he was pretty jacked to have pancakes.  I went with this avocado BLT, which replaced the tomato with avocado.  It would have been better with both, but whatever.

We got home, decided to let some digestion happen.  So we fired up the arcade cabinet and had some epic 80's arcade battles.  Frogger, Tron, Galaga, Ms. PacMan, Life Force, and Joust.  Joust for us was pretty kick-ass actually, had a great time with that one.

After about 45 minutes, we headed out for our run.  Just took it easy, letting him set the pace and take walk breaks when he needed them.  Our final total was 1.47 miles, with a sprint up the final hill.  It was great to get out and run on such an extremely nice day like this, and to have him with me made it even more fun.

Once we got back to the house, my eleven year old thespian got very melodramatic about taking a cold shower.  But I got down to some more business.  Burn Circuit 3.  A very heavy shoulders/legs workout, which, coming about 10 minutes after our run was doubly tough.  I had to cut a couple exercises short, one because my feet were starting to get sore, so I took my shoes off.  That made it very hard to finish the lunges completely, and secondly, I was dead ass tired.  But I made it through.

Which brings me to the educational portion of my message.

Post workout fuel.

There are soooo many post-workout supplements/drinks, etc, out there.  It's a huge industry.  Mike (who is SOLIDLY BEHIND TEAM TEMPORARILY FAT JASON...again, not in the biblical sense) mentioned that chocolate milk was amazing after workouts.

And it is.  It's just a killer pick-me-up.  Let me borrow from Fitness Magazine:  "Compared to plain milk, water, or most sports drinks, it has double the carbohydrate and protein content, perfect for replenishing tired muscles. Its high water content replaces fluids lost as sweat, preventing dehydration. Plus it packs a nutritional bonus of calcium, and includes just a little sodium and sugar -- additives that help recovering athletes retain water and regain energy."

They are absolutely right.  I had about 8 ounces of chocolate milk after finishing the workout.  It was glorious.  Really picks you right back up.

So there you go.  SUCK IT, BUTTERBALL (again, not in the biblical sense)

Beyond Blubberdome: Butterball vs Temporarily Fat Jason Weight Loss Challenge eXXXtreme

Auntie Butterball

vs.

Blaster Jason

WINNER TAKES THE CHUNKY CUP (which I don't have an image of yet, because I haven't made it yet).

Ok, here's what really happening here.  Steph and I are both starting workout programs around the same time.  So we're gonna have a little contest.  We're gonna weigh in every week, track our percent of body mass lost each week.  At the end of the contest, whoever has lost the higher ratio wins the cup.

There will be trash talking.  At least on my side.

So bring it, Auntie Butterball.  EMBARGO ON!

Shame and a Scale are Great Motivators

Ok, I don't even know where to start here.

Let's start with that 'what's for dinner' series that pretty much went nowhere.  It was a great idea.  Except, I constantly forgot about it.  So yeah, that might not happen that often.  But, now that I have a phone that isn't a total and complete pile of steaming feces (thanks, Chase), I am more likely to make that happen.

That being said, 'more likely' and 'going to happen' aren't the same thing.

So, if you live anywhere in North America that is north of, say, South Carolina, then you know that this winter has been THE WORST WINTER ANYONE UP HERE HAS SEEN SINCE THE LAST WORST WINTER THAT ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN AND HOLY CRAP THEY'RE NAMING THE STORMS WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

Anyway, winter-wise, it actually hasn't been horrible.  Just long.  Really long.  This is important to the narrative.  Like...in a movie, when they make a point out of showing you a picture on a mantle, and the camera lingers a little too long, you know that picture or whatever in it's important.  Or on The Walking Dead, when someone who isn't a MAJOR player (anyone not named Rick or Carl or Darryl, in my estimation) gets even a little bit of character development at the beginning of show, you know that poor motherfucker is zombie chow by the end of the episode.  Unless it's Andrea, which is a shame, since I can't wait for her to become kibbles and bits.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  By the middle of last summer, running had become pretty much my only major form of exercise.  I was doing it every other day, a 5k each time.  I had grown to love running and it was working for me.  By the end of the season, I was in the best shape I'd been in for a very long time.

But then Winter came.  Seriously.  On a side note (yeah, I know, maybe I should start using footnotes...), fuck you Ned Stark.  'Winter is Coming'.  Bite me.

It's been a seriously long winter.  Since the end of October I've been out running once.  The problem is, I don't have a treadmill, and haven't really replaced the running with anything else.  I couldn't keep all the weight off that I had lost, and by last week, I was back to 314.  Still off my high of 371, but I was down to 270 at one point.

So, a couple weeks ago, I started doing some weight training again.  I was faithful to it, but it wasn't working out.  My access to the Bowflex Selecttech weights had been lost (and thanks again, Mike, for letting me borrow them.  You kick ass).  The weights I did have at home just weren't cutting it.  I didn't have enough to make effective workouts.

Frustration, thy name is Vinyl Weight Plates.  Seriously, these things, although cheap as hell, are simultaneously ridiculous.  Useless due to their enormous size.  Also, I didn't have enough of them.

Also, over the last two years, my ability to budget has become almost superhuman.  I've been able to squirrel money away even facing monster car repair bills.  Seriously, I've probably put six thousand in car repairs in that stupid Bonneville in two years.  I have also made other changes just in the last two weeks.  I quit drinking soda (except for an energy drink every morning, you can have that when you pry it from my cold dead fingers) and I quit smoking.  Again.  I haven't bought a pack in almost two weeks now, although I'll still bum one from people at work from time to time.  So there's an extra 50 bucks or so a week back into my pocket.

So, long story...ummm...less long...I used some of that savings to buy the Powerblock adjustable dumbbells. After reading Steph's amazing exercising resurgence, I decided to make another run through the Chalean Extreme program.  I bought them today at lunch (heh, my car looked like I had a couple dead bodies in the back, it was drooping pretty far) and decided, since it was a Wednesday, I would do a Burn Circuit 1 today, and a Burn Circuit 2 Friday, and start the program proper on Sunday, so it would be a natural weekly progression.  I did the first Burn Circuit already, and it pretty much kicked my ass.  Something three weekly weight workouts over the last 2 weeks hadn't done once.

So, anyway, that's where I'm at right now.  Maybe I'll write more often now that I really have something to write about.  Maybe Masterpoo Theatre will come back.  Maybe not.

What's For Dinner...umm...#...I Forget

Took some hilshire farm smoked chicken sausage and sauteed it with some sliced potatoes, diced onions, and garlic.  Threw some steak seasoning in there, too.  Once it was done, sprinkled some cheddar cheese on top and broiled that.  It came out really good, had a small second helping.  That's a salad on the side,